I have several siblings. My oldest brother must still see me as “baby sister” as he will talk over me and ignore my contributions constantly. Another brother isn’t like that - he listens and responds, but he has his own issues, and lives far from me. We mostly communicate by texting each other pictures of silly signs we see. My youngest sibling, however, adapted to this family situation by just not talking. Which sucks, because I know they have a lot to share. But I get it, it’s hard to get a word in edge-wise when the whole family is together. Oldest brother dominates the conversation, other brother (close in age to the oldest) can contribute and be listened to… but I have to raise my voice and repeat myself often to be heard even once. It makes sense to just “check out” in that environment.
The worst part is when you make strides in your life to outgrow and overcome the toxic behaviors you developed as a kid, but when you’re with family it’s like you revert. I’m not the same person at work, with friends, with partners, in public, etc. as I am when around family. Talking with my mom is like tearing down the walls of a therapy office - everything I worked so hard to become gets thrashed as soon as she says something to me. Working on not being a push-over? Mom knows how to guilt-trip me into doing what she wants. Trying to establish boundaries? Lol, good luck. My mom even tries to pry into HIPAA-protected information about patients I’ve worked with (and gets upset when I tell her - a former nurse - that I legally can’t tell her anything.)
Then I get asked why I’m “being this way” or “being difficult” and like… I had to learn the hard way how to socialize as a mature adult, in part because the things my mom calls “immature” are actually healthy, mature reactions. She’s got it all twisted and I know there is no unlearning that at this point for her.
those aren’t adults, those are entitled children in grown up bodies.
plus, i think that regression, where the moment I’m with them I feel like I’m 10 years old being bullied by my siblings and gaslit by my parents is a PTSD response. except that they haven’t change do the only difference is that we’re all older but the abuse persists.
Agreed. No wonder it hurts so much sometimes. No wonder I end up with dreams where I’m a lost child and nobody will help me. Childhood trauma is hard to climb out of.
You could say that. My girlfriend’s mom adores me. When she found out I was going to their family’s Thanksgiving, she was giddy as can be. It’s a refreshing change from being around my family, where it’s pretty much just the kids who are excited to see me.
me at family gatherings
I have several siblings. My oldest brother must still see me as “baby sister” as he will talk over me and ignore my contributions constantly. Another brother isn’t like that - he listens and responds, but he has his own issues, and lives far from me. We mostly communicate by texting each other pictures of silly signs we see. My youngest sibling, however, adapted to this family situation by just not talking. Which sucks, because I know they have a lot to share. But I get it, it’s hard to get a word in edge-wise when the whole family is together. Oldest brother dominates the conversation, other brother (close in age to the oldest) can contribute and be listened to… but I have to raise my voice and repeat myself often to be heard even once. It makes sense to just “check out” in that environment.
it’s insane how all those toxic family dynamics you hope will be over once you become an adult still prevail.
The worst part is when you make strides in your life to outgrow and overcome the toxic behaviors you developed as a kid, but when you’re with family it’s like you revert. I’m not the same person at work, with friends, with partners, in public, etc. as I am when around family. Talking with my mom is like tearing down the walls of a therapy office - everything I worked so hard to become gets thrashed as soon as she says something to me. Working on not being a push-over? Mom knows how to guilt-trip me into doing what she wants. Trying to establish boundaries? Lol, good luck. My mom even tries to pry into HIPAA-protected information about patients I’ve worked with (and gets upset when I tell her - a former nurse - that I legally can’t tell her anything.)
Then I get asked why I’m “being this way” or “being difficult” and like… I had to learn the hard way how to socialize as a mature adult, in part because the things my mom calls “immature” are actually healthy, mature reactions. She’s got it all twisted and I know there is no unlearning that at this point for her.
those aren’t adults, those are entitled children in grown up bodies.
plus, i think that regression, where the moment I’m with them I feel like I’m 10 years old being bullied by my siblings and gaslit by my parents is a PTSD response. except that they haven’t change do the only difference is that we’re all older but the abuse persists.
Agreed. No wonder it hurts so much sometimes. No wonder I end up with dreams where I’m a lost child and nobody will help me. Childhood trauma is hard to climb out of.
found family is your favourite trope?
You could say that. My girlfriend’s mom adores me. When she found out I was going to their family’s Thanksgiving, she was giddy as can be. It’s a refreshing change from being around my family, where it’s pretty much just the kids who are excited to see me.