I don’t know where to begin, so I’m just going to put words on ‘paper’

I’m 33 and got out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago.

I’m looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, and recently met someone that is a perfect fit for me on paper in so many ways, however there is a thought or feeling I just can’t escape. I feel there is a lack of chemistry/attraction.

My new potential partner and I have been seeing each other for about a month, and have spent many days and nights together. She is objectively good looking and anyone would be lucky to have her multiple of my friends have said wow she’s really pretty when they’ve met her however I don’t feel the chemistry/attraction and I think I know where it comes from.

My ex was extremely feminine and we had insane chemistry from the start, the new potential partner I’m dating isn’t feminine and is quite masculine in physical and behavioral ways and I think that’s a turn off for me. I didn’t even realize femininity mattered this much to me.

I feel insane for thinking of breaking things off with an objectively attractive, successful women who’s logistics fit so well with mine it’s honestly like finding a needle in a haystacks.

I feel stuck constantly fighting questions like:

  • Am I just full of shit and looking for a unicorn that doesn’t exist?
  • Should I listen to my heart and feelings and let go of this because - it doesn’t feel right?
  • I’m getting old and want to settle down, should I priorities logistics and accept good enough?
  • Am I just overly picky? Can I afford to be this picky?

My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Help

  • ThrowAwayForObvReasons@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
    2·
    2 months ago

    What happens when the “logistics” falter? Are you willing to compromise your self admitted desire for more? Are you willing to be unsatisfied in the emotional and romantic connection department just because your friends think she’s hot?

    Honestly did you even read my post or replies? What makes you think that I think any of the things you just said.

    Sure logistics or even love can falter, but you need to start from a good foundation where logistics and love is at a good place to stand a chance.

    • beetus@lemmy.worldEnglish
      21·
      2 months ago

      Yes I read it and you focus on her appearance and her success. You don’t mention any details in your op about why she matters to you beyond how your friends and family perceive her.

      You describe wanting a partner to settle down with and yet you fail to mention any reasons beyond her appearance for why her logistics are meaningful.

      You ask if you if you are a fool to consider that you should love someone more deeply than their “logistics”.

      So yes, I did read what you wrote about her. You seem conflicted between an attractive partner and finding someone you love.

      You don’t seem to love her, you love her features.

        • beetus@lemmy.worldEnglish
          11·
          2 months ago

          I’m agreeing with you that maybe she isn’t the right fit for you, lol. You obviously want more and she isn’t that for you.

            • Maeve@kbin.earth
              2·
              2 months ago

              Sometimes right opinions aren’t popular. And I only kind of agree with this person’s thinking. So I will encourage you to take the words rather than the bandwagon.

              For instance, most people who recognize an issue at once think or are told “that’s everyone.” If your approach works for you, that’s fine, but it may not work for others, and most people seek professional help not when they feel distress, but when they experience consequences of thinking and behavior. I’m not saying that’s you, there are always exceptions. I’d just encourage you to not decide based on “everyone’s” criteria. Sometimes the bandwagon goes where it should and others it just doesn’t. But I am glad you decided to give it more time. A month isn’t nearly long enough to know much beyond superficialities.

            • beetus@lemmy.worldEnglish
              11·
              2 months ago

              Lol what? Idk what that stat even means. Bro you should talk with your girlfriend more if getting feedback from lemmy strangers is too much for you.

              Either you want her for her status and that’s enough for you, or it isn’t.

              You can learn to love someone more deeply, but you obviously want more than what she offers right now. I don’t understand why highlighting that to you is so hard for you to hear. I’m literally validating what you are asking in your OP.

                • beetus@lemmy.worldEnglish
                  11·
                  2 months ago

                  Bro just talk to your girlfriend and try and love her more for fucks sake.

                  Why do you need our permission to do so? I’m in here saying that you sound like you want to love her but don’t yet, either work on it or move on.

                  It’s hilarious how you won’t engage with my feedback but instead attack my character.

                  Maybe you haven’t actually grown from your previous toxic relationship.

                • beetus@lemmy.worldEnglish
                  11·
                  2 months ago

                  Ah interesting. Well according to what I’m reading you are misunderstanding what attitude is for. It describes my engagement patterns, not how my posts are received. A lower attitude means I down vote more than I up vote.

                  You’re welcome to your opinions but you’re incorrect with how that feature is described Here’s a link with more info for you. https://piefed.social/comment/7077647

      • ThrowAwayForObvReasons@lemmy.worldOPEnglish
        1·
        2 months ago

        You ask if you if you are a fool to consider that you should love someone more deeply than their “logistics”.

        I never said that, I’m shocked at how completely wrong you’re getting this. I’m going to assume you’re a troll.