I don’t know where to begin, so I’m just going to put words on ‘paper’
I’m 33 and got out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago.
I’m looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, and recently met someone that is a perfect fit for me on paper in so many ways, however there is a thought or feeling I just can’t escape. I feel there is a lack of chemistry/attraction.
My new potential partner and I have been seeing each other for about a month, and have spent many days and nights together. She is objectively good looking and anyone would be lucky to have her multiple of my friends have said wow she’s really pretty when they’ve met her however I don’t feel the chemistry/attraction and I think I know where it comes from.
My ex was extremely feminine and we had insane chemistry from the start, the new potential partner I’m dating isn’t feminine and is quite masculine in physical and behavioral ways and I think that’s a turn off for me. I didn’t even realize femininity mattered this much to me.
I feel insane for thinking of breaking things off with an objectively attractive, successful women who’s logistics fit so well with mine it’s honestly like finding a needle in a haystacks.
I feel stuck constantly fighting questions like:
- Am I just full of shit and looking for a unicorn that doesn’t exist?
- Should I listen to my heart and feelings and let go of this because - it doesn’t feel right?
- I’m getting old and want to settle down, should I priorities logistics and accept good enough?
- Am I just overly picky? Can I afford to be this picky?
My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Help
Yes, attraction can grow over time. I’ve never been in a situation where it was completely absent from day 1, though, so I’m not entirely sure if that’s different or not.
The relationship is still young, so I would give it a little more time while you continue to explore your feelings. After another short while, though, I would recommend an honest conversation with your partner about this. I wouldn’t frame it as an issue of attraction, you don’t want to make her feel unattractive or anything like that. I would talk more about how she feels about the two of you lacking “chemistry” and “that spark”, stuff like that. If you’re missing it, then it’s likely she’s also noticing the same thing. It’s very much a two-way thing, after all. It could be grounds to amicably go your own ways, you may decide to just keep more casual company with each other, or you may decide that stability and compatibility beats passion, who knows. Lots of options. I’d just be open and honest about it though. But first I’d give it a little more time before you even bring it up. There’s no rush to figure it out right now.
Thanks yea, I’ll definitely give it some time.
After some more thought I think we might lack some emotional closeness and vulnerability. We’re different in some ways and probably haven’t opened up to each other enough yet. These things come with time, I need to curb my expectations given the time frame