My dog is actually pretty chill and sleeps like a log most of the time. But he does have a burger alarm. Whenever anyone in the house cooks anything he’s at the edge of the linoleum with the saddest face you’ve ever seen.

My dog is now fourteen and pretty deaf. It’s been such a weird switch for us; we can’t talk to her anymore and expect her to hear us, and she doesn’t bark nearly as often (her breed is a watch dog type). She still barks at the wind though.

Nearly all of our dogs have been abysmal guards. They hear things we can’t and simply begin shouting. But what they hear is just someone walking outside, a skateboard, carpentry. Humans just existing outside. However, we’ll have guests arrive and 10+ minutes later they’ve realized that we’re all going to be murdered by the strangers we’re sharing food, drinks, and smiles with. They are quite stupid, you see.

Unrelated, but I sincerely hope the people behind autocorrect on iOS suffer from debilitating carpal tunnel. I hope their wrists burn and throb like a red hot iron balloon is expanding and contracting between their bones. Stop changing my words a full sentence later, you fucking illiterate machine.

Burglar Alarm!

The purple kind?

Most of our dogs have always been pretty good about not barking unless it’s a squirrel, but our German Shepherd mutt makes having guests over very complicated, lol. If anyone wanted to get into my house, they will get mauled.