I think I’m going to leave my party BIJ1 before the municipal elections next year, and not after. I’ve come to the conclusion that BIJ1 is not going to change for the better and it’s futile staying a little longer just to try to change some minds. They’re not marxist, don’t focus on class struggle and intersectionality, while good, shouldn’t overshadow socialism. There’s too many people in BIJ1 who has a different reason for joining because the party line’s interpretation is very broad. Because of those disagreements, they keep fighting about it. I told myself that the fights will slowly stop because the leadership is better able to solve disagreements but what does it matter if the root cause isn’t fixed. And because there’re so many different groups, the leadership is fighting between themselves as well. Add to that some people in the party who want to ban tankies, which I cannot stop on my own, because the party as a whole isn’t marxist.

I think I even regret becoming part of the party. When I joined I wasn’t a marxist-leninist yet, and I saw other orgs as irrelevant, but looking back those orgs have lively youth organisations. And that contact with likeminded people with the same age is very important. I think I wouldn’t have felt so lonely if I took that step. I can’t fully connect with my party members because of the age difference and because I only share a partial worldview with them. But I didn’t want to leave the party because of my social anxiety. I didn’t want to lose my weak connections with party members to join a party where I don’t know anybody. When I am in a group of people of the same age, it reminds me of my school years where I was bullied even if those people are nice. I was afraid I wouldn’t build connections and I would be lonely and I would be useless in the party. I didn’t want to deal with that so I stayed. And I’m pretty close to the leadership of my local branch so that makes me feel a little useful.

I would probably have been a better communist with more personal growth in a party that is closer to my ideals and which actively educates its members

I’m at least going to vote for a different party in the municipal elections called De Vonk, but for the city borough I’m maybe going to vote for BIJ1 if De Vonk doesn’t participate there. When it comes to leaving the party altogether, I hope I can build the courage to do it before then. It would be weird to vote for a party you’re not a member of.