EDIT: I’ve been terribly unclear. We both know she needs counseling. How do I find a counselor? I have never in life even started to search. Also, I’m almost certain our insurance won’t cover it. Got so solid advice on a DIY plan. Anyone add to that?
Said I’d never date a jealous woman, married her anyway, eyes wide open. Only real issue, everything else about our relationship outweighs it. But fuck me, it’s like a drunk beating his wife and crying he didn’t mean to, won’t ever do it again. I can be minding my own business and take an ass beating at any moment.
I cannot overstate how bad this is. My PC is in the living room on a 40" TV. Browser pics automatically expand (Imagus extension). I have to be careful to not touch anything with a pretty woman in it. If I switch screens while she’s looking, I’m guilty of hiding something.
She goes through my phone, I find apps I never opened. She’s checking FB, which I don’t touch, only Messenger for Marketplace replies. She’s checking my email.
Monster fight last night where she produced a phone pic of my screen with a woman’s name and asked why I replied. I didn’t. My email address was shown as which account I would be replying from. Whole screen shot: woman’s name and my email. Searched all: $womans_name right in front of her. Nada.
Had a recruiter almost score me a sweet job. Wife hated her guts because she’s cute and sounded perky. Y’all. The recruiter was in NYC, we’re in NW Florida.
I have to lock my PC to take a shit. She would birth live kittens if she saw this post, thinks you people are personal friends, like FB. “These people are strangers, don’t even know what fucking country they live in.”
She’s asked our friends if that’s normal. Now I look like a controlling asshole who’s hiding something. I have never done this with another partner and have told her that many times.
We’ve been through this shit three dozen times, and every, single, fucking, time I’ve proved to her what was up, nothing, she’s crying and apologizing, rinse and repeat.
We’re 54 BTW, not exactly teenagers.
Anyway, she comes to me today and says she might have a problem and what should she do about it. Fuck I know! Told her to stay the fuck away from me the rest of the day, don’t even want to look at her.
How would you reply?
Just be aware that it’s not something you can argue your way out of, or prove to her once and for all. The problem is emotional, not logical.
She’s feeling unstable, anxious, possibly afraid. Maybe you’re causing her to feel that way without realizing it, maybe something external is making her feel that way and she’s projecting that onto you without realizing that’s what she’s doing, maybe it’s just baggage from past relationships.
Ultimately the source doesn’t matter too much. You can’t “win” the argument, and any approach that comes from trying to win, or prove yourself right, will only make things worse. It’s a cry for attention. And remember, her feelings are valid even if the suspicion she’s projecting onto you is not. You can’t argue her out of her feelings. Trying to invalidate her feelings will make things worse between you.
If you want to maintain this relationship, you need to set some practical boundaries that you can both live with, and then stick to those boundaries because consistency will help you both feel more stable. Have that conversation when you’re both calm, not when either of you is feeling upset.
And then you and your wife need to address the emotional issues. Maybe that’s just the two of you making time to sit down and talk about what she’s feeling and why. Maybe it’s actual therapy. The fact that she’s acknowledging that she has a problem is a good sign. Self-reflection on her part is the key. When the moment of crisis comes, when she’s starting to get upset, that’s when you need to try to work past whatever she’s latched onto in the moment and try to address the feeling itself. Ask her to stop for a moment and breathe. Ask her to try to describe what she’s feeling, specifically, and then why that feeling at that moment. Listen to what she says. Remember, you’re not trying to win an argument, you’re trying to understand her feeling, and more importantly you’re trying to help her understand herself.
Also, this is very important - at some point when you try to work through this with her, she should have some concern for how she’s made you feel. It might not happen right away, you should be patient, but if it never happens then there’s really no balance and it puts you in the position of doing all the emotional labor of addressing her feelings with no reciprocation. That’s not a relationship.