This happened last night at my cousin’s housewarming party. I have a very rocky relationship with a good chunk of family, unknowing to them as I try to keep my ire internal as I am unable to live independently from them right now (grad school should help with this). This means that when family events happen I usually have to be there despite being a grown ass man. I could refuse but they get huffy and ask questions if I do not show up, I also live with the matriarch of the family (my grandmother) which makes avoidance very difficult.

Usually when these get togethers happen I can only hope and pray to the universe that anything history or politics related will not come up as most of my family is very uneducated about these topics. This wouldn’t be a problem if they weren’t so viscerally resistant to being corrected. I usually sound like a huge jerk when I write my posts here, but I swear I am a lot kinder in real life, I am a bit of a black sheep in my family due to my shyness and habit of dimming myself for other people’s comfort. Every time I have attempted to correct a family member on something they get completely wrong I just end up getting yelled at or argued with. I hav tried various tones: sickeningly sweet, neutral, sarcastic, angry, and flippant but nothing sticks. In the end I am always seen as the instigator, the problem child, because it is best for me to just let them talk shit. I always saw this attitude as cultural but it may just be a my-family-thing (specifically my mother’s side for some reason).

So let’s talk about the party. As you can imagine, while the night was actually going pretty well someone just had to bring up Cuba. It wasn’t even bad at first, my young aunt was just talking about the hurricane and typhoon. First she mentioned the typhoon affecting the Philippines, and then pivoted to the hurricane that has destroyed Jamaica and Cuba. My young aunt expressed sympathy for Jamaica but said that she mostly feels bad for Cuba as it is “a communist country with nothing.” My transphobic aunt (my mother and young aunt’s sister, so a different woman) piped up saying that Cuba got what it deserved because of “everything they’ve done.” No specifics were given, I would bet my entire bank account that she doesn’t even know what the fuck communism is.

My young aunt sort of came to the defence of Cuba, stating that everyone has their side to the story and that the Cubans got screwed over by the Americans. She then said that “we have our version but when you actually talk to Cubans you get a different picture. I am not talking about the leaders!” My transphobic aunt then responded to this “yeah all these leaders think they can do what they want, they do not help the people.” My young aunt then said something about how all leaders are bad and I could only think “what are you, an anarchist?”

Anyway, my young aunt then started to talk about the vacation she took to Cuba however long ago and how one shop owner didn’t even want to accept money from her and her husband (my uncle). All they wanted were clothes. I guess my young aunt gave clothes and the Cuban shop owner ended up burning their names onto something? It was hard to follow as I was lowkey dissociating at this point (this happens often when I am around my family).

My transphobic aunt proceeded to go on a tirade about how liberals are the problem in our world and people like Carney think they know what’s best and that the people are suffering. Mind you, she hates Mark Carney because he isn’t an explicit racist and transphobe. She doesn’t care about anyone but herself. She hates immigrants (despite her own mother, my grandma, and sister, my mom, being immigrants. Also my damn dad too!) and anyone who isn’t white. She will deny it but everyone she complains about is non-white, she hardly talks shit unless said white person is transgender. It’s one of the reasons why I have not come out to most of the family (only very few cousins know I am trans).

I got up from the table at this point and walked as far away as I could, but I could still hear them so I just put in one earbud and decided right then and there that I would walk home (its five minutes tops but I am fast walker so it’d probably be shorter). I grabbed my jacket and bag and proceeded to tell my grandma that I was going home because I was tired and the dog needed to eat (this was true).

Since this was around 8:30pm, which means it was quite dark outside (daylight savings), she was not happy that I would attempt this and said she would walk home with me. That was when one of my cousins (the one who drove us here) said she would drop us off. I was not thrilled as I just wanted to be alone but I just accepted it. As I was getting my shoes on at the front door my mom came to hug me goodbye and asked “maybe you could come back after feeding Cory?” I deadpanned looked at her and in the flattest, no-nonsense tone, said “no.” She smiled knowingly, laughing a little, and said “I know.” I got another hug of sympathy and I headed home.

My mom was there for the whole conversation as she was sitting next to me at the table. But she, like me, did not say anything as she is very non-confrontational and does not like to stir the pot no matter how much her sister (transphobic aunt) pisses her off. This whole fiasco made me lose my goddamn mind, and maybe its the BPD but I wanted to fly off the handle but was, for some reason, able to keep my anger to myself. Sometimes when I interact with certain family members I just end up hating myself. It fucking sucks.

And I can’t say anything to them or I will automatically end up being the bad guy because I am young, so therefore inexperienced and thus have nothing of value to say. This obviously does not apply to every family member, as I have been careful to mention that it is very particular people, but these specific individuals also have the most “power” in my family. They are allowed to do and say whatever they want but if someone else does the same or something way more tame, suddenly we’re the devil. I know that me saying nothing is liberalism (I really internalized what Mao said in Combat Liberalism) but family is complicated especially when you rely on them still. The only things that allows me to sleep at night is that I never give them the satisfaction of my approval, and I can talk shit with one of my cousins (she unfortunately wasn’t there last night) and my mom. But I know it is not enough, one day I will be more active but right now I have to play it safe.

Grad school cannot come soon enough (I want that grant money!)…

Edit for clarity: the transphobic aunt is not the same aunt I got into a screaming match with over Israel. That one was my great-aunt, but she and this transphobic aunty share the exact same views when it comes to immigration, trans people, and whatever the fuck else.