Hi all.

This is a stream of consciousness post before bed so it may be a bit all over the place. I’m a 20 something based out of the US and I don’t know what to make of my feelings. I’m neurodivergent (cocktail of disorders + on the spectrum) but under normal circumstances i handle it well. So well in fact I got discharged from my therapist of 5+ years last year, pre-election.

Problem being, it’s now post-election. I am a mix of a few minorities and fear every day for my family. One of my parents is making fearing for them harder than it needed to be, as they have drank the proverbial MAGA kool aid. Why i bring that up is that i have been regressing lately. Ive felt, paranoid i guess. I dont know how much of what I feel is paranoia and how much of it is really justified. i try to minimize my digital footprint and am very conscious of the technklogy i use. I also feel like ive been regressing mentally somewhat. I feel more inclined to do the things that remind me of my childhood. Playing games, watching comfort shows, feeling oddly sentimental towards old weathered decorations while preparing for the holiday. Its a sad feeling that I dont know how to describe. To add more insult to injury, my parents have separated this year and while I’ve always had a feeling it would happen, it feels surreal and like i dont really want it to happen. Especially since the parent who left is the sane one and sort of sent the MAGA parent into a mid-life crisis of superfluous hookups and money-spending, as well as making trying to talk any sense into them at all almost impossible.

To be truthful, what my heart most desires is a return to the early 2010s. Before I had known about the various mental disorders I had, when the US felt stable, when I didnt have to worry about if ill make my bills on time, and when I had more of a family unit to rely on.

Seeing as im posting this on lemmy, you can imagine i dont have very many friends. this isnt because i dont want them, but because its so difficult to find friends i relate to, especially post-college. I have a partner atm but they’re in a similar boat to me and they try to be supportive.

I would go back to therapy but im worried as i have had bad experiences before, and i dont want to end up with a maga therapist who turns me in to some gov.t agency. im also strapped for cash as are a lot of people in the US.

To end off, i feel exhausted, empty and sad. melancholic. worried about the future and indulging in the past that no longer exists for comfort. i dont want to worry anymore. i dont want to have an existential crisis when i find a light up pumpkin my family has had since 2000 and get choked up wondering how awful I’d feel if something happened to it. i want someone to say they understand and help process these feelings. it feels selfish to end with that so. i hope you are having a good day.