**So i’m in a bit of a weird position in my life right now. I’ve known i’m trans for the past 3ish years and recently started college. Most of the people around me seem to be pretty supportive and my parents are also supportive. I already have everyone calling me by my choice name but other then that I havent done anything I really want to actually start to transition so I can stop being depressed and there are some moments where like i really want to buy fem clothes but i go on amazon and its just too big of a mental hurdle to do anything related to transitioning has anyone else experianced something like this where they were in a place where they could transition and nothing was preventing them but they were just too scared to if so how did you deal with it?
Edit: Thanks so much for the advice everyone I think going on hrt is too scary for me but I’ll order some fem clothes tomorrow. I really appreciate the advice and kind words <3
Here are the things I did before I ever bought outwardly facing feminine clothing that helped me pass immediately:
- Wear a cute hat
- Colorful reusable face masks to match with outfits (a few bucks on amazon)
- Cheap but a nice looking purse (20 bucks)
- Work on voice (Free! Plenty of videos out there to start with)
- Paint fingernails (about 25$ for a 3-in-1 and a color, be sure to use non-acetone remover)
- Be well-groomed. (gender affirming barber helps a ton! https://strandsfortrans.org/)
- Wearing nice undergarments is a huge boon to self image even if no one else can see them!
As for getting clothing when you are ready, I highly recommend Thrifting. The local thrift store changed my life and building a whole wardrobe from scratch is a huge financial investment otherwise. You can get multiple outfits at a thrift store for the same price as one new garment. It’s ridiculous what stores charge for clothing.
When you are really ready, you’ll know. Everyone’s journey is unique and it’s not a race, it’s a marathon. Go at your own pace! You can do this and you are worth it!
It’s worth pointing out that wearing a couple of more feminine items isn’t going to stand out that much before coming out my favourite sweater was bought from Monki and clearly not designed for a man. No-one cared. It’s a really cute sweater so I only got compliments.
The sweater in question.
So just find one or two things that “spark joy” to express yourself and ease into it. I am currently on the waiting list for the extremely slow and convoluted health system where I live. So I’m in a similar position. I’m waiting for HRT and beard removal to come out generally. And yeah I’m constantly questioning wether or not it’s the right choice, but then I think about what my life will be like if I don’t transition and I get a cold shiver down my spine.
I get that it’s not a great time to be trans but you just have to imagine a future where you don’t transition. Personally I would rather the voices calling me a freak come from outside my head. I spent the first half of my life miserable and have no intention of continuing the same way.
that sweater is adorable, omg 😻
I know right? It’s a bit short in the arms but otherwise extremely comfortable.
You just do it, basically.
It’s legitimately scary but you get used to it and it gets less scary. You just put one foot in front of the other, focus on what is right in front of you, and you lean on whoever is in your life and will support you.
I remember feeling so extremely vulnerable and scared when I first socially transitioned and sitting down to google “how to deal with feeling so vulnerable”. It really is overwhelming, I remember that. The first time I left my house in a dress, I thought I was going to be killed in the street. Just going out dressed as a woman and not being harassed or even noticed was really helpful for helping reduce my fears, it was exposure therapy - the more I did it, the less afraid I felt for next time.
This is a side note, but you are very young, and getting on HRT sooner vs later is an issue of harm reduction - I would highly recommend prioritizing that. I picked my chosen name when I was still a teenager, but didn’t medically transition for decades after that - the regret is enormous, and this is a common and tragic story with trans people, so I always urge anyone to start HRT ASAP.
In the right doses and route of administration, HRT can help immensely, esp. with depression.
It does get better 🫂
I’m really unsure about the medical stuff right now bc of the politics situation even if I live in a blue state though and it feels like so much bigger of a hurdle too because it costs money and I am also not ready to like deal with my parents even though im out to them still
I understand your concerns. Now is a dangerous time to be trans. But keep in mind, it’s also dangerous to have the wrong hormones.
I second dandelion’s stance on this. Start HRT as soon as possible. I didn’t start on HRT until my 30s and my only regret is not starting sooner. Do not delay.
The HRT did far more about my depression than my clothing.
The HRT did far more about my depression than my clothing.
This is a good point, I fully socially transitioned 3 months before I medically transitioned, and it did not help me at all pretty much compared to the impact of estrogen. tbh I wish I had started estrogen immediately by any means necessary, and then approached social transition more carefully or at a later date - living as a visibly trans person is stressful, but you can take estrogen without social transition and get a lot of the benefits without all the risks, and then transition once you are basically already passing.
(In my case, I forced myself to socially transition in every sphere of my life because otherwise I was worried I would be in the closet the rest of my life and never medically transition or prioritize my needs, and I would go back to being the miserable suicidal person I had become, so I still stand by that choice - but it was rough, I won’t lie.)
I mostly waited until HRT to transition socially. I was presenting fem privately at home for quite some time before HRT. I took an approach of go fem with plausible deniability until the point I felt ready to start pursuing HRT. When I needed new clothes I would buy woman’s versions of the clothes I already wore. Nice button down shirt, but this has the buttons backwards. Not a detail anyone notices, but felt better.
The first time I went out wearing a dress was after about a month on HRT. Wasn’t really out, wanted to see if anyone would figure it out. It was very strange, I got so many compliments on my outfit, but not on the dress itself, just the other parts of the outfit. It was confusing.
I compared the text message conversations with my wife from the second month of HRT to the year before, and the difference was night and day. The first coworkers I came out to were those who noticed the change in mood and asked follow up questions.
of course it’s your call, and I recommend getting a trans-affirming psychologist who has worked with trans patients to help you work through this as well.
HRT is less of a big deal than it seems, though, and it has huge benefits for mental health, as well as helping prevent the body from further androgenizing. My body became much more male in my 20s, and it gets harder and more expensive to solve later - it’s much better if you can get on the right hormones now.
The changes are slow anyway, you don’t have to tell anyone you are on estrogen, and coming out to your parents is the worst of it anyway - taking estrogen is entirely consistent with being a woman, there should be nothing surprising about it to anyone you have come out to.
EDIT: if your parents care about your health, give them the medical and scientific evidence that shows HRT saves lives and has better outcomes than nearly any other medical treatment: https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-well-being-of-transgender-people/
This isn’t controversial, and if they care about you, they will want you to be alive and healthy - this is a matter of your well-being, both now and for the rest of your life.
EDIT2: regarding politics, coming out and living as a visibly trans person is harder and riskier than taking estrogen and conforming to cis norms by having a body that passes - and you have a better chance of passing if you start HRT now than if you delay. In my perspective, the politics are exactly why you would want to be on HRT, to pass as cis ASAP and avoid the possibility of not passing in a society that makes good on its genocidal promises, and where the violence and targeting is happening primarily to people who appear gender non-conforming (whether they are trans or not). I live as a cis woman now, after only a year or two on HRT - being so young, it will be easier for you than me.
Im ngl I know for a fact my parents arent homophobic because my.sister is lesbian it’s just that I don’t want to deal with explaining to them that I’m on hrt and I feel like I would need bc they’re still paying for my insurance
again, I suggest talking to a therapist about this, but I think if you sit down and consider the life-long consequences of delaying HRT against the known benefits, I don’t think not wanting to tell the parents who are likely accepting (and that you have already come-out to) won’t seem like a great reason to delay later.
Spend some time thinking about this, but do please be aware of the consequences of delaying HRT. The depression can be caused by having the wrong sex hormones. We wouldn’t tell a diabetic to live without insulin, we wouldn’t expect a cis person to live on opposite sex hormones - it’s no different for you.
What exactly are the consequences? Also like there’s still a lot of imposter syndrome because I havent done any social transitioning besides name and gender neutral pronouns which makes me really unsure if I want to do hrt
It varies from person to person, but there are many.
For the body, androgens continue to masculinize the body:
- more & thicker body & facial hair
- new body hair where it wasn’t before (on your back, chest, nipples, feet, hands, arms, belly, etc.)
- increased fat distribution into the shoulders, neck, and belly
- deepening and heavier, masculine voice
There are also potential the mental side effects:
- suicidal ideation
- depression and anhedonia
- anxiety
- night terrors
I also saw more hypervigilance, OCD like behavior, and scrupulousness that all reduced when I started estrogen.
(Edited To Add: Also, in trans populations, risks of drug abuse are much higher, and the empirical evidence shows among other benefits, drug abuse is reduced by medical transition.)
Imposter syndrome is very common, I experience it as well, I think tbh most of us experience it.
I completely understand you have to approach this at your own pace, and HRT probably feels scary and very permanent, but not taking HRT also creates permanent changes. You can even try HRT as a trial and as a diagnostic step, for the first 3 months there are no permanent changes from estrogen, and after that the only permanent change is the forming of breast buds that may not go away fully after (though this technically could be solved with surgery later, and surgery might be more required if you don’t take HRT young anyway).
This video playlist was important to me figuring out I was trans, and also encouraging about HRT - maybe you will find it helpful?
Also helpful:
Thank you for the info. I originally thought that the body changing stuff just ended once you become an adult kind of like puberty and knowing that is really helpful. For the mental stuff I already have the first 3 and some other issues but I really don’t want night terrors if that’s a common issue so I’ll try to do it soon. Also I have already read the dysphoria bible and I reread specific sections when I have imposter syndrome to reassure me but thank you anyway <3
Not exactly the same, but starting out I felt really apprehensive about going out in overly feminine clothing. I guess I was embarrassed about possibly looking like a parody of a woman, or maybe just doing something new that I wasn’t used to. Anyway, the times when I gave in to my fear and wore something plain and androgynous, I’d feel terrible, like I was suppressing myself. I wanted to look and feel pretty and feminine!
So whenever I was choosing my clothes for the day and I felt that “are you sure?” fear, I remembered that feeling of betraying myself by not wearing what I wanted to. At first I did have to force myself a bit, kind of not think about what I was doing, but as soon as I got outside and realized that nobody cared what I was wearing, I could relax and enjoy feeling good about myself. It got a lot easier pretty quickly after that.
I guess my answer is yeah, it is scary and I totally understand being reluctant to take that first step. (On the other hand, you’ve already come out and are using a new name! I’d have thought that was a much bigger hurdle than a few clothes.) Try not to think too hard about it. You’re just ordering clothes; you don’t have to wear them, or show them to anybody. Then you can just wear them in your room; nobody has to see. And finally when you’re used to that, make a short trip outside, or whatever. Baby steps. If at any point it turns out you don’t like it, you can always stop, no harm done, right?
Also that feeling of betraying yourself that you described is exactly how I felt too which kind of helps with imposter syndrome actually
for imposter syndrome, I highly recommend reading Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet, that book was really helpful for me when I first transitioned 💜
Yes! I second that. I grew up in a similar environment and it was very reassuring to read about Mia’s experiences and thoughts.
I really appreciate the advice I think I’m gonna just try buying some fem clothes tomorrow
Thank you so much I really appreciate the advice <3
If clothes are too big of a hurdle perhaps start with smaller steps?
Try a little lip gloss with a shine, a little nail polish, shave something you normally don’t, whatever feels right for YOU!
My best advice without knowing more is to experiment small, let yourself work your way up at your own pace.
The good news is there are no wrong answers here, let yourself explore and try to have as much fun as you can along the way.
Here for you if you want to talk <3
thank you for the advice
