cross-posted from: https://linux.community/post/3389091
or to keep the peace, maybe you think it’s not a big deal but your partner, friend, coworker, parent feels otherwise.
Do you apologize just to validate him?
I always though if I don’t feel bad about it, fuck it, I’m not apologizing, deal with it. It’s not my fault you’re so thin skinned. Grow up.
Now I’m thinking I should be more empathetic and apologize, just to make the aggravated person feel validated, even though I don’t feel bad (or that bad).
This gets more complicated because many times coworkers feel offended because I don’t share my personal life with them or I’m so concentrated on my job that I don’t notice them. Do I apologize for not noticing them?
It really depends. Apologies can be a tricky business, but tossing them out can help bring the temperature down to move forward. Sometimes you have to read between the lines to determine whether it’s useful or not, or what exactly they want an apology for (it’s not always what you’d think at first).
Looking at your example in the end, I’d take the following tack - “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you. When I’m here, I try to stay really focused on what I need to do. If I’m not super responsive or don’t notice you right away, it’s because I’m concentrating on something else. It doesn’t mean that I am deliberately ignoring you, or think badly of you. [If you can muster it/can honestly say something nice about them, do it. It helps. Has to be genuine though.] I hope you understand.”
Might calm things down, might not. But I’ve had folks respond to this approach before (when they just want to feel acknowledged, which is where most ‘y u ignoring me’ reactions come from).