Can I ask a genuine question with no malice intended so please don’t take it the wrong way?
…Why is one’s “deadname” such a taboo subject?
I mean I’m a cis white bloke so I don’t get a say in anything but to me it’s just what you used to be called but you’re not anymore, and that’s great. But a lot of people treat it like this evil, secret backstory nobody is to know about? Why is it so “bad”?
A lot of folk who go to the trouble of changing their first name, be they trans, cis or otherwise, likely have negativity attached to their original name from which they would like to move on.
Anyone who knew me by my old name and hasn’t been updated of my new name, doesn’t know my new name for a good reason. So on the very rare occasion I get deadnamed these days, it absolutely scares the hell out of me.
I’m nb and my name change wasn’t specifically for gendered reasons, but for those whose was, being purposefully deadnamed adds a whole new level of hate crime to the situation and puts them at risk of violence from anyone unhinged enough who overhears.
Good question. This is my personal view so it might not represent general opinion.
I think it depends on whether that was intentional or not. Just like misgendereing, someone referring me by my deadname isn’t a big deal if it was a mistake. It would take some time to associate me with my chosen name so it’s understandable.
However, if it was intentional (or more likely, seems like intentional), that person is not acknowledging my new gender and chosen name, and that is disrespectful or even rude.
I’m trying think of relatable experience for cis folks. Say u r in 20s and some extended family member calls u by ur old nickname when u were really young. Probably there’s no bad intention in this case, but u might get this uncomfortable feeling that
‘that (nickname) does not describe me any more. I’ve grown out of that (nickname)’
That emotion could be similar to what deadnaming feels like for trans folks. Of course u have to amplify that negative emotion by like 1000x.
I would also add just calling people by their name instead of their preference to your nickname example. Like, if your name is Matt but somebody only calls you Matthew and refuses to use Matt even after you ask them to. Matthew may legally be your name, but there’s only one reason why somebody would do that.
My dad actually has a similar situation in that his first name can be turned into two different nicknames easily, so he can immediately tell how well somebody knows him or cares by which name they call him.
This is so fucking stupid but there’s a podcast called Guys: A Podcast About Guys and one of the hosts used to go by Quibber until he was like, 27 and decided he should go by his real name, and it took convincing to get several people in his life to stop.
Can I ask a genuine question with no malice intended so please don’t take it the wrong way?
…Why is one’s “deadname” such a taboo subject?
I mean I’m a cis white bloke so I don’t get a say in anything but to me it’s just what you used to be called but you’re not anymore, and that’s great. But a lot of people treat it like this evil, secret backstory nobody is to know about? Why is it so “bad”?
Sorry if this is insensitive…
A lot of folk who go to the trouble of changing their first name, be they trans, cis or otherwise, likely have negativity attached to their original name from which they would like to move on.
Anyone who knew me by my old name and hasn’t been updated of my new name, doesn’t know my new name for a good reason. So on the very rare occasion I get deadnamed these days, it absolutely scares the hell out of me.
I’m nb and my name change wasn’t specifically for gendered reasons, but for those whose was, being purposefully deadnamed adds a whole new level of hate crime to the situation and puts them at risk of violence from anyone unhinged enough who overhears.
Good question. This is my personal view so it might not represent general opinion.
I think it depends on whether that was intentional or not. Just like misgendereing, someone referring me by my deadname isn’t a big deal if it was a mistake. It would take some time to associate me with my chosen name so it’s understandable.
However, if it was intentional (or more likely, seems like intentional), that person is not acknowledging my new gender and chosen name, and that is disrespectful or even rude.
I’m trying think of relatable experience for cis folks. Say u r in 20s and some extended family member calls u by ur old nickname when u were really young. Probably there’s no bad intention in this case, but u might get this uncomfortable feeling that
‘that (nickname) does not describe me any more. I’ve grown out of that (nickname)’
That emotion could be similar to what deadnaming feels like for trans folks. Of course u have to amplify that negative emotion by like 1000x.
I would also add just calling people by their name instead of their preference to your nickname example. Like, if your name is Matt but somebody only calls you Matthew and refuses to use Matt even after you ask them to. Matthew may legally be your name, but there’s only one reason why somebody would do that.
My dad actually has a similar situation in that his first name can be turned into two different nicknames easily, so he can immediately tell how well somebody knows him or cares by which name they call him.
This is so fucking stupid but there’s a podcast called Guys: A Podcast About Guys and one of the hosts used to go by Quibber until he was like, 27 and decided he should go by his real name, and it took convincing to get several people in his life to stop.