I think all of your complaints can similarly be made in suburbia. You may have a neighbor that’s drunk, and plays music loud into the night. Someone may have bright flood lights that shine over their yard into yours. Someone may grow a certain plant that’s invasive, and it travels by wind to your yard. The wood the neighbor 3 hours down installed attracts pests, which could make their way to your house, eventually. Someone could start a fire, and the wind carries it to the neighbors next door or next street over, like what we saw in California earlier this year.

While yes apartments mean we all live closer together, that doesn’t mean people will be twats. People can be twats anywhere.

The solution to this obviously is to live more and more rurally so your impact is less and less to your neighbors. But that sounds antithetical to your beliefs. And no, regulating people’s lives with HOAs isn’t the solution. HOAs suck.

There is single family, high density housing. Explore your closest big city. The closest one to me is Chicago, where a lot of the northern neighborhoods have super dense, single family homes.