I had to cut a major shade tree in my backyard, it was ready to fall over. We replaced it with a sapling and I cannot wait for it to grow up, holy shit my deck gets fucking hot! There’s a couple more that gotta go soon too and I’m very reluctant - expensive to cut down, expensive to replace, especially if they are already tall.
The trick with plants is generally to act like the creepiest villian asshole you can. If you dont emotionally abuse your plants, they’re not gonna be any good.
Abuse them. Cut them to be more to your liking, starve them of water to get their roots where you want, groom them like you’re Jeffrey Epstein, emotionally abuse them, occasionally waterboard them, torture them with loud music at all times…
And they will thrive. Its why agricultural societies jumped into depravity faster than their hunter gatherer peers; plants just need abuse.
I struggled with some potted houseplants last year. Come winter, I assumed they’d all died so I just gave up.
But this spring, one of the plants bounced back stronger than ever. All it took was some tender, loving neglect. It’s still thriving on my porch right now.
Plant something that grows faster? That won’t last as long, but it should give some shade in the meantime.
+ evaporative cooling
Edit1: Bonus points for something that would natively grow there, because you have to do less to support them once they’ve grown a bit.
Edit2: You could decide to not fully get rid of them and instead slowly kill them. Like leaving the trunk and some big branches, cutting the rest off. Cutting off everything green that grows anew. That will still give a little bit of shade. But can also support other plants to give them hold and protect them from wind. Ivy probably can cover it with green. I don’t really know what I’m talking about.
Edit3: Replace ivy with other native climbing plants if it’s not native in your area etc. (It’s native where I live, but it wouldn’t be native to the Americas for example)
The sapling is native and will get huge, but its gonna be a few years. Admittedly I got it for free, anything already bigger is quite an expense. Ivy was actually a huge problem, I spent a ton of time and effort cutting it off the trees because it was choking them out and killing them. The trees I still need to get rid of are not native. I was told they will continue to grow until they are too tall to support themselves and fall over. The longer I wait the more expensive it is to cut them down. My best guess is they are 25-30 feet tall already. Shopping for trees even half that size is something I was not prepared for, but I am hoping to figure out soon knowing it needs to happen eventually.
I spent most my life in the city, so when I bought the property I wanted the mature trees, but was unaware of the problems these particular trees had. I still like this spot but I wish I knew more about what I was getting into. I’m using a pop up tent for cover while I figure out what exactly to do, but the shade it provides is nowhere near as cool as being under the trees.
I had to cut a major shade tree in my backyard, it was ready to fall over. We replaced it with a sapling and I cannot wait for it to grow up, holy shit my deck gets fucking hot! There’s a couple more that gotta go soon too and I’m very reluctant - expensive to cut down, expensive to replace, especially if they are already tall.
Plant and groom the new ones early.
The trick with plants is generally to act like the creepiest villian asshole you can. If you dont emotionally abuse your plants, they’re not gonna be any good.
You want me to be creepy with my plants? Just how creepy are we talking here?
Abuse them. Cut them to be more to your liking, starve them of water to get their roots where you want, groom them like you’re Jeffrey Epstein, emotionally abuse them, occasionally waterboard them, torture them with loud music at all times…
And they will thrive. Its why agricultural societies jumped into depravity faster than their hunter gatherer peers; plants just need abuse.
I struggled with some potted houseplants last year. Come winter, I assumed they’d all died so I just gave up.
But this spring, one of the plants bounced back stronger than ever. All it took was some tender, loving neglect. It’s still thriving on my porch right now.
Remember to emotionally abuse them too!
Plant something that grows faster? That won’t last as long, but it should give some shade in the meantime.
+ evaporative cooling
Edit1: Bonus points for something that would natively grow there, because you have to do less to support them once they’ve grown a bit.
Edit2: You could decide to not fully get rid of them and instead slowly kill them. Like leaving the trunk and some big branches, cutting the rest off. Cutting off everything green that grows anew. That will still give a little bit of shade. But can also support other plants to give them hold and protect them from wind. Ivy probably can cover it with green. I don’t really know what I’m talking about.
Edit3: Replace ivy with other native climbing plants if it’s not native in your area etc. (It’s native where I live, but it wouldn’t be native to the Americas for example)
The sapling is native and will get huge, but its gonna be a few years. Admittedly I got it for free, anything already bigger is quite an expense. Ivy was actually a huge problem, I spent a ton of time and effort cutting it off the trees because it was choking them out and killing them. The trees I still need to get rid of are not native. I was told they will continue to grow until they are too tall to support themselves and fall over. The longer I wait the more expensive it is to cut them down. My best guess is they are 25-30 feet tall already. Shopping for trees even half that size is something I was not prepared for, but I am hoping to figure out soon knowing it needs to happen eventually.
I spent most my life in the city, so when I bought the property I wanted the mature trees, but was unaware of the problems these particular trees had. I still like this spot but I wish I knew more about what I was getting into. I’m using a pop up tent for cover while I figure out what exactly to do, but the shade it provides is nowhere near as cool as being under the trees.