21F… been fucking depressed for so long I genuinely don’t know if I am or not anymore. I am so happy at times but then reality hits and I’m back to normal. I get attached to people I like too hard and then it makes it worse. I feel detached from everyone. I don’t rlly have anyone to talk to much because I also don’t like stressing people out or being a burden on anyone. Idk how to feel anymore. I do things like a mini getaway with my friends but as soon as it’s over and I’m back home I just get this loneliness feeling. I feel alone even in a room full of people. It sucks because people see me as this happy person who’s always laughing and giggling but deep down I’m lowkey fucking tired of this shit but I don’t wanna be that depressing person around people u know? My friends make me feel happy yes but when I talk about anything it doesn’t really change anything. I’m just tired if that makes sense? Like not wanting to be here but wanting to be here because I’m scared of not being here. Not in a suicidal way I guess but more so of a vanishing point. I do think about some deep stuff sometimes but I’d never do it. I’m too scared, I know life is great and there’s plenty I want to do in the future and explore the world but it’s so hard to stay motivated when I feel like this. I really like this guy but we like broke up but we’re still friends and I think that probably triggered everything to worsen because I’m so attached. I’m fine with being friends and all because I know my limits and my mindset is okay with it but the whole situation sucked and set me back like how I would feel in the past and I hate it.
I get that. Having too much time and no structure is awful. Sounds like you have something to look forward to, at least.
Enjoying alone time is nice when you choose it, I also get that. It’s also understandable to want to keep the connections you do have.
Hopefully you can find some structure again soon, and a chance to be your more authentic self, even if it’s here.
You are a worthwhile, valuable person and the world is a better place with you in it - including when you’re not feeling okay! The people who are worth your time will get that, even if you haven’t met all of them yet.
If it’s any consolation things generally tend to get better once you’re older and more established. 20s are often the hardest time in your life. You got this.