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trashcan@sh.itjust.worksM to The Onion and other satire w/ layers@sh.itjust.works · 15 hours ago

Health Experts Warn Americans Not Sensually Eating Enough Fruit

theonion.com

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Health Experts Warn Americans Not Sensually Eating Enough Fruit

theonion.com

trashcan@sh.itjust.worksM to The Onion and other satire w/ layers@sh.itjust.works · 15 hours ago
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CHICAGO—Calling attention to the startling lack of tied-up cherry stems in the average diet, health experts from the American Medical Association warned Tuesday that Americans were not sensually eating enough fruit. “While it’s recommended that adults erotically suck on at least two pieces of fruit daily, many people are falling far short of that,” said Dr. […]
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  • njm1314@lemmy.world
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    12 hours ago

    I tongue fucked an olive earlier, does that count?

    • plm00@lemmy.ml
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      8 hours ago

      Botanically yes. Culinarily no.

  • BarbedDentalFloss@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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    14 hours ago

    Best I can do is drink a smoothie made from frozen berries because nothing is really in season right now

    • owenfromcanada@lemmy.ca
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      14 hours ago

      You just gotta work it. Treat that straw in ways that would make your parents ashamed of you.

      • fartographer@lemmy.world
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        6 hours ago

        Gets immediate brain freeze from snorting a smoothie

      • BarbedDentalFloss@lemmy.dbzer0.com
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        14 hours ago

        By the time I’m done with that smoothie they’ll wish they sent me to conversion camp

    • reallykindasorta@slrpnk.net
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      14 hours ago

      Have you tried sprinkling some nutmeg in it? Game changer

  • Mrselfdestruct25@lemmynsfw.com
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    11 hours ago

    You should see me eat a banana.

  • LillyPip@lemmy.ca
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    13 hours ago

    Given the state of the government and the US CDC, I’ve been eating so many onions, I have an ulcer now.

    • e0qdk@reddthat.com
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      12 hours ago

      …battered and fried in beef tallow? :p

      • LillyPip@lemmy.ca
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        12 hours ago

        Hey, I was already sensually eating junk food.

        Seriously, though, I would not put it past this CDC to try to sell me some bullshit woo about how activating endorphins whilst eating fruit unlocks some quantum vitamins or something.

        Am I crazy or does that sound within the realm of possibility for them?

        • e0qdk@reddthat.com
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          12 hours ago

          I don’t know if they’d say that specifically – but you’re not alone in having trouble telling real announcements from satire!

  • trashcan@sh.itjust.worksOPM
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    12 hours ago

    deleted by creator

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