I decided I would be willing to date a non-vegan since despite the conveniences and shared ethics of other vegans, it can be hard to find them in general, and maybe I could influence people positively, though probably without any expectation for them to go vegan (but still hoping society will move toward it one day anyway).
But online questions asking people (non-vegans) if they would date a vegan really shocked and surprised me when most of the answers were no, mostly for reasons of inconvenience and a fear of being pulled into veganism. This leaves me feeling like finding other vegans may be my only option after all. Is this somewhat accurate?
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Locking this thread for now, because there seems to be some omni-trolling happening and I’ll be heading to sleep rather than patrolling this thread. Please read the “What is Veganism?” part of the sidebar before commenting, thanks!
I (or someone else) will unlock it when all the comments have been moderated and when people stop trolling. Seriously, this is a vegan community not a plant based diet one.
Edit: Unlocked. Please don’t conflate vegan and plant based and remember that veganism is NOT a diet!
Hi, I just wanted to ask something (not specifically related to this thread actually). It seems like most people in this community are non-vegans rather than vegans. Would that be accurate?
I think the people who are subscribed are vegan, but it takes one omni to start a huge comment thread and then the post gets more visible and they all turn up here to commit some veganbashing
I think on a rather small platform like Lemmy it is inevitable that non-vegans find their way into a vegan community (or “outsiders” to any community in general) by the All feed.
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No, I am upset that non-vegans don’t take five minutes to understand what veganism is before posting
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“Dietary Preferences”
its not a Diet, its more of an ethic’s question, are you ok with eating flesh of those who don’t have a say if they want to be killed for food? or are you gonna stay oblivious to the fact that this is speciesism?
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Apologies for not being clear, I meant that I would hope just being vegan might subconsciously influence people to think about it, but I wouldn’t hold any expectation or pressure them. It would be more of a hope that I have but I guess it wouldn’t affect how I act or behave in any way. Is that still a deal-breaker?
To me it sounds like that hope could ultimately lead to resentment in the long term if they don’t take on your values. You say it won’t effect your actions, but it sounds more like you are lying to yourself about it’s importance.
How would it make you feel if you started dating someone and they “hoped” you would eventually give eating meat a shot because it was something they valued deeply and they thought it might subconsciously influence you in that direction?
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To be fair, it’s a lifestyle/philosophy that extends beyond diet into other purchases as well. But if I’m not trying to make them vegan, I don’t see what the problem is? Aside from potential inconvenience of me not partaking in some of the same things as they might typically, though there are alternatives…
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Would the sole action of me buying different products to them/non-animal derived alternatives qualify as making something my entire identity? Just trying to get a feel of what the specific issue might be.
The issue is that even if you manage to completely prevent yourself from expressing it, you say that you’d hope they’ll change their perspective to yours. A “positive influence”. Hidden agendas no matter how well intentioned don’t make for a solid relationship usually.
If your partner was secretly hoping you’d give up on veganism because they thought this was an inferior lifestyle, how would you feel?
Veganism is not just a diet. Plant based is yeah. Vegan, no. It’s an overall morality thing that includes a diet.
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Veganism is never just a dietary decision, it’s always an ethical decision. Vegetarians, or pescatarians often make the choice just for health benefits, but veganism is a lifestyle. Veganism extends to your decisions about all products, including things like shoes, handbags, down comforters, etc… I know vegans who definitely don’t make veganism their one defining characteristic, but it’s still a big part of who they are and how they choose to live their lives.
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It’s not like I would actually try to change them in any way, though. What if I never mentioned it?
Part of a healthy relationship is accepting people for who they are, loving people for who they are. If you’re secretly hoping that someone changes, then you’re not accepting them for who they are. This is getting more into relationship advice than an answer to your question, but I think it’s worth acknowledging. If they never know that you’re hoping they’ll change, then I guess it won’t affect them, but it might affect you.
I don’t think it’s an easy thing, not to mention that it would be better for both if both had the same diet and lifestyle choices (obviously being vegan). For me, being vegan is not just that, but also the only morally right thing to do. So, if my partner wouldn’t at least be vegetarian, this would be so hard, and I’d, at some point, just break up if I notice they don’t understand what all of this is about.
If I knew you had a constant hope for me to change it would be a huge NO.
You’re saying that they don’t need to “go vegan,” but if they aren’t doing it even slightly, then you’re being disappointed by them. You might say you’re not pushing anyone, but intentions will come out. At the very least, it’s obvious that you have an agenda with it, so you might as well be with someone that aligns with your agenda.
Being vegan can mean many things, but ultimately, it’s a lifestyle choice. Imagine if you were Christian instead, and you decided to date an atheist. And you weren’t going to push them, but maybe you could influence them to be a little religious. You could pray at the dinner table, them joining optionally, of course (but greatly appreciated). Then for their birthday, you could give them a Bible, since they love to read.
There isn’t anything wrong with being a vegan. I feel, however, that it is more than a personal practice to you, and you would be happiest with someone that is also vegan.
Pressuring others to not contribute to murder and rape is a turn off… seriously? Also, please read up on what veganism is before commenting. Vegans have moral standards rather than “dietary preferences”.
Is being vegan a moral thing? Most that I’ve heard say yes.
This means that regardless of outward harassing them about it, your mindset is one in which they are doing something immoral and do not care to change it. It is inseparable: the position that it is morally correct to be vegan is inseparable from the corollary that those who are not are less moral.
Knowing that your romantic partner judges you as a bad person does not really make for a positive relationship, I would say. I doubt I would be willing to date someone who holds that position.
I think it’s an ethical, environmentally beneficial and healthy choice. But that doesn’t mean I think someone who doesn’t make that choice is automatically a bad person. That’s where I feel like nonvegans might be projecting that idea a little bit, to be honest.
Short answer: no
Longer answer: probably some people
Thank you. You saved me from a bunch of long and pointless one time experience stories.
I’m fine with dating vegans, as long as they understand I am not and will be getting the steak.
That is the main point. I don’t mind vegetarians or vegans, I have no issues cooking something appropriate when I have them as guests at home. I actually see this as an interesting challenge to serve excellent food for them, too. The only thing I object to is being preached to, and people who expect me to offer vegan or vegetarian food if they have not told me beforehand.
I know many vegetarians and I’ve met a single other vegan, all of which found a partner just as easy, or hard perhaps, as anyone else I know.
I, myself, kinda cheated and turned vegan after finding my current girlfriend. So I cannot report directly on this.
@Robustic this is MY experience as a vegan for +8y. I dated a non-vegan girl for several months, and was an issue to me in terms of long term expectations as a couple. Veganism is a philosophy that excludes as far as possible and practicable all kind of animal exploitation. This is one of the main ideological topics for me, like racism, feminism, religion, institutional politics….
My current girlfriend is vegan (has been for more than 5 years), we have a lot in common and everything is great 😊.The primary concerns would be the fear of being preached to or derided, and substantial difficulty with meals.
No one wants to be called a murderer, especially by their romantic partner. Not that you would do that personally, but that’s the image “vegan” brings to mind.
Meals are a significant part of any relationship: going out, cooking for each other, family dinners, etc. Dating a vegan makes all those things more complicated for omnivores.
Not to say it’s a foregone conclusion, but past experiences with vegans may very well make non-vegans reluctant to date one.
I would just add that eating out with a vegan and non-vegan together doesn’t inherently have to be any more difficult than 2 vegans or 2 non-vegans. From my experience anyway, and where I live. :)
From my experience, the vegan options at most conventional restaurants are laughably limited if they exist at all, and the food at most vegan restaurants rarely hits the spot for non-vegans. There certainly are restaurants with good options for both in bigger cities, but these are typically few and far between, leading to rapid burnout. Additionally, favorite places with no vegan options at all (BBQ joints, for example) get cycled out entirely.
In any case it is inherently more difficult, just because it’s inherently an additional limitation not present otherwise. Everytime the omnivore finds a new restaurant they want to check out, there’s the constantly looming “Vegan options?” consideration.
Regardless, I’d say that is the lesser of the issues, significantly less prominent than the preachiness. There’s always the suspicion of “Yeah, she says she’s fine with it, but 3 months from now the subtly sanctimonious comments are going to begin.”
As with any large life-style decision you’ll find it reduces the dating pool (and generally for good reason). Would you really want to spend your life with someone that spends free days smoking brisket or roasting ribs or generally preparing meals like that? To someone without dietary constraints (self imposed or otherwise) I’m sure that sounds heavenly, but if I were vegan in the situation (or vice versa tbh) I know I just wouldn’t desire the daily friction. Life should be as fluid as possible and there are plenty of lifestyle compatible people out there looking for companionship.
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Ye! I tried to allocate space for that in what I posted. I’m personally a vegetarian that likes a steak once or twice a year so I live on both sides of the fence. Essentially what I’m putting out though is that it’s perfectly natural and probably a good thing when people find partners with similar lifestyle choices. It just makes life easier, and a relationship will struggle to work if it feels like significant compromise and work.
But not too similar, or it gets boring and potentially destructive. I would be dead if I married someone like me. My wife introduces reason and balance into my life, and I introduce adventure and spontaneity into hers. It has worked well for us for the almost 2 decades we’ve been together.
I did and it wasn’t a problem, it wasn’t a problem because she didn’t care that I wasn’t. She never tried to make me be a vegan and I never tried to dismiss that part of her. We were perfectly happy to not make that a thing of concern. Though I think if either party tried to make the other one change it would blow up fast.
It would only work if you were willing to accept them as not a vegan. If you can’t it wouldn’t work.
That’s honestly encouraging, thanks :)
Frankly, this is not a question for the Internet - it is a question for you.
You can certainly find someone to try have a relationship with.
But: What do you think about non-vegans? Do you see yourself unreservedly loving someone who eats meat, even though you (presumably) think it’s morally wrong?
Because that will definitely leak into your relationship as a whole.
I grew up with a sister who is vegan and I would definitely think twice before dating one. I’ve come to believe that shared meals are a huge part of human culture and if I can’t eat with my partner without there being some kind of tension about it I don’t see how it could work out.
I feel that veganism is a value-based belief system. This means that even different vegans may interpret the restrictions differently.
The question is whether you will expect this person to convert and if you can live with their usage of animal products.
The key is acceptance. I’m willing to accept my partner if they are vegan, can the accept me as a non vegetarian?
The problem is that vegans (not all) see it as morally wrong so it would be like asking if they can accept that you like eating dogs (like some cultures do) and I can see plenty of people who would not accept or respect the practice of eating dogs.
Yes, I can accept it :)
My wife is vegetarian and I am not. It’s not really an issue. Vegan would be quite a bit more difficult to accommodate as I’d have to cut out dairy and honey from meals I cook which both make regular appearances in dishes. Still, as long as you’re not annoying about it and are also understanding about the fact that many potential partners won’t know how to cook for you I don’t see why it would be a deal breaker.
Side note while we’re on the subject, what’s with the restriction on honey? The rest of it I understand the reasoning behind but honey seems like a harmless thing to me.
Well primarily vegans don’t eat honey because it’s a form of exploitation of animals (bees). This can carry ethical as well as environmental issues.
This goes into some of the reasons why vegans typically avoid honey:
https://www.careelite.de/en/why-vegans-dont-eat-honey/
TL;DR:
▪︎ Bees make the honey for themselves ▪︎ Honey production is exhausting ▪︎ We manipulate the animals for the honey ▪︎ Honey bees are exploited in mass breeding ▪︎ Bees are injured and die ▪︎ Honey is not particularly healthy ▪︎ There are plant-based alternatives ▪︎ Wild bees are important for biodiversity ▪︎ Bees are living beings and not commodities ▪︎ Wild bees are essential for the survival of us humans
And here is the Vegan Society’s page on honey:
https://www.vegansociety.com/go-vegan/why-go-vegan/honey-industry
Hope that helped :)
And right there is why they’re gonna run into issues dating non-vegans. It’s a lifestyle for them. It’s not just a meal choice. It extends to things like products bought, activities done, etc. and when you “hope” someone will change, that’s a big red flag in a relationship.
Honey is a food lol
