So I have accepted for some time now that I am a trans woman. I wear feminine clothes in public from time to time and it’s at the point that I don’t in the moment care if somebody stares at me. I have been voice training also for about a month and it feels great to be a woman among accepting people. I have also tried (DIY) estrogen and I love its emotional changes. The first day felt absolutely divine and I do not want to stop, however I am scared. I am lazy and I am not sure if I can do it every single day. These thoughts have been hunting me every day for the past week for multiple hours a day. Yesterday I was completely paralyzed by my own thoughts and I couldn’t do anything for 12 hours (-> I have probably failed my exam today), because the choice of facing the world or giving up estrogen is too hard. It got to a point that even suicide came to mind, just so I don’t have to choose. My gender dysphoria boy modding exists but it’s not strong. I am going to visit an uni psychologist soon because of this.
My question is: How did you figure out that this is the battle you want to fight?
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My reward for compliance is a burial in a cheapish business suit and it’s the only part of me that everybody around would know.
The first day felt absolutely divine and I do not want to stop
You’ve almost answered your own question. I cannot speak for all trans folk, so I’ll just speak for myself.
I’m not strong. I get exhausted. Sometimes I feel like giving up or hiding. It’s a lot of work even if there weren’t people trying to erase us.
But when I give up; when I stop making progress, the dysphoria comes back, and it only gets stronger the longer I ignore it. It’s the reason my egg cracked in the first place. Once I experienced life as myself, I can’t go back.
No matter how hard it is to push forward, going back hurts even more.
FWIW, I live in a trans sanctuary city so I don’t have to be brave. I just dress up cute and my doctors give me cheap estrogen and nobody cares. It’s practically boring to people here. Hope you find your way here someday!
I’m so happy for you! I just recently visited a sanctuary city, and it was so nice, to see all the progress pride flags and openly queer people everywhere. I hope my relatively-progressive-for-the-area home city gets there someday
I have two people who seriously matter to me, my boyfriend and my bestie. To them, I matter. I have to keep hobbling forward through this batshit insane garbage evil world no matter what the fuck happens, for them. But I also just want to be the person I deserve to be, I want to fully self-actualize as myself, you know? And so, for those who want to stop me, I live to spite.
I ain’t strong. And I’m trying to move the political landscape so others don’t need to be strong either. I’m fine where I am for now but it’s getting real bad in some places and I don’t know how I’m gonna be if it gets that bad here. Best I can do is try to turn the tide.
How did you figure out that this is the battle you want to fight?
It’s not a battle I would choose to fight, but I don’t have any other choice. I know who I am, and I’m going to live as who I am, and I’m not going to let anyone stop me. I grew up in a very repressive environment, where I was taught to accept that I had to be who others (especially authority figures) expected me to be. And through a lot of therapy, I discovered that that was the root of a lot of my personal torment. It isn’t always easy, day to day, but I’m going to keep pushing every day to love and celebrate the person that I am, because I can’t stand to live any other way.
Jumping out of a building gets a lot easier when you feel the fire at your back
I took estrogen and things started to feel normal, so I kept going. Its not strength. Its not a battle. Its following a new path at your own pace. Eventually you figure out what you need to do to keep going.
I stopped fighting. Trying to be someone I wasn’t was literally killing me.
Sure, there’s a lot to learn at first about How To Girl, and the dysphoria sucks until the hormones work their magic. But now I can just be me, no filter. Life is so much easier than it was before. And that means I can deal with any shit that comes my way without it overwhelming me.
