I was originally the scapegoat, to cope I became the lost child. Some people just shouldn’t be parents. On the bright side, I’m in the process of overcoming both roles. Hear hear Aca!
Excellent work on both counts, you did what you needed to do to survive then you did what you needed to do to thrive. What was being the lost child like?
As a child I never had goals, wants, needs or dreams. This continued through adulthood. I could never identify the “what”, (most people struggle with the “how”). Anyway, the issue is lack of authenticity and sense of self, which looks like being directionless and not being able to lead myself - my coping mechanism was codependence. My codependency is kind of funny though, because it only happened with people I didn’t really know. If someone tried to get close to me, I was out.
I highly recommend Healing the Adult Children of Narcissists by Shahida Arabi - it goes into this dynamic and so much more. It’s been very helpful for me, allowing myself to put into words all of the things I had to silently endure from my childhood.
Yeah I was the family scapegoat. I’ve been able to forgive (mostly) but can’t forget. I try to be there for my parents - visits, checking on them, etc - but I hold them at arm’s length emotionally. They want real closeness but I just can’t open myself up to that. And I feel guilty about it but then I remind myself that it’s their own fault. You reap what you sow!
Forgetting would put you at risk, you’re doing the right thing remembering and maintaining a distance. I’m sorry they don’t see your true worth cos we really do
Thanks Lady! :)
I used to be the golden child until I was an adult and became the black sheep of the family because I came out as gay, atheist, and Democrat.
My sister who was the problem child, smoked, drank, and fucked in her teenage years became the model Christian Republican wife with 2 kids so she’s now the golden child.
But the real problem were my narcissistic parents.
Haven’t had any serious connection with my parents in nearly 20 years now. That part has been going great getting them out of my life.
Oof this one hits hard. I was the golden child. My brother was the troublemaker. With time he learned that he had to fight back to survive in our family… and he’s been fighting everyone since and listens to noone but himself.
He’s not okay. He fulfilled the prophecy my parents and grandparents set in motion for him from birth, just because I was a more dull kid.
I was the troublemaker in mind. What was being the golden child like?
Because I was the quieter more obedient child, I would get compliments raining down on me in full view of my brother who’d get none. I always felt uneasy about it, but couldn’t put feelings to words at that age, especially since I was being rewarded by it.
If there was ever a conflict between me and my brother, my mum and nan would immediately take my side, even if my side made no sense. As we entered our tweens, I realised I could win any argument by simply behaving better and letting him act out in front of parents.
One of my worst memories is the sound of him crying after some disagreement, as he often would, but this time it wasn’t the cry of someone who felt wronged or of someone crying to appeal to others – it was the cry of someone who realized that they could never be right, no matter how wrong the other person was. That shit still haunts me.
After that point I stopped engaging in passive manipulation with my enablers, and tried to stop myself from engaging in hollow victories over him. We gave each other a lot of space during that time, and found a balance where we could co-exist.
But I think the damage was done already, since in adulthood he has a hard time of letting things go and has a very strong sense of his own personal justice which makes him somewhat needlessly confrontational. My own damage is that I never developed real critical thought until my thirties, and I let things go way too easily if it personally benefits me, even if it harms others.
I’ve spoken to my mum about all this as an adult, and she expresses tons of regret. She was just making do with the best that she could at the time whilst her husband was off doing god knows what, and her own over-bearing mother was around to criticise everything she did.
You just have to forgive it and move on, and I’ve done so, but my brother hasn’t and how could he.
How’s it with you? What scars did they etch into your psyche?
That’s a really interesting comment, thanks for writing that out. You’ve shown a lot of insight into yourself, and how it’s put you in thought processes which were bad for you and other people. Kids believe what they’re taught and you’ve done well not ending up believing you’re above others.
Being a scapegoat was rough, everything was my fault and I knew it was unfair eg being accused of things it was impossible for me to do. It made it hard to understand when I genuinely was wrong and made me really angry. It also meant I was always anxious and had awful self esteem.
Worst thing about it is I bullied my younger sibling, cos I was so angry they got loved and I got blamed for their mistakes. I was really nasty to them, and we have no relationship now. I’m zero contact with family partly cos they’ll always see everything as my fault, and I can’t live with that.
On the plus side I’m in tune to other people’s feelings, I can pick up on warning signs well and I always want to help people. I’m a domestic abuse outreach worker so there’s a lot of kids that don’t have as bad experiences as you and me did, which is the most important thing.
It sounds like you’ve got a lot of insight in to yourself too - talking to you now, I find it hard to believe you would bully anyone. But I’ve seen how family dynamics can drive that kind of behaviour, especially since you know that something is wrong with the situation but you don’t necessarily have the perspective at that tender age to see where the abuse is actually coming.
I can imagine that doing an incredible number on your head, and props to you for rising out of that anger and anxiety and lending a hand to those who need it. I hope your younger sibling can with time understand that the injustice of your caregivers were the main driving force.
Hard to forgive what you can’t forget though. My brother hasn’t spoken to us in several years, but it actually makes me feel a bit warm to hear your perspective and knowing that he might actually be okay - thriving even - without us.
This all reminds me of one of my favourite comic strips: https://pbfcomics.com/comics/trauma-trooper/
That comic was a roller coaster! I really like it thanks.
And yes that’s exactly what it was, I knew SOMETHING was wrong but at that age you can’t work it out.
It’s entirely possible your brother is doing great, people often just avoid the bad memories family bring up. Siblings are the longest relationship people usually have, and there’s always hope. Bottom line is you and me turned out to be the kind of people that would have protected us when we were younger and that’s the greatest thing either of us could ever be
Oh definitely - amen to that
Both of you are saints.
That’s really kind of you thanks 😊
I’m the blackest of black sheep but also the smart one so they are as conflicted as I am and unable to argue without getting wrecked…small victories
My sister weaponized her pettiness against me. Even after a close call with death, I was still at fault for things that were completely outside of our powers.
She spent so much effort making me feel guilty, isolated and weird but she hid it all behind her outgoing personality and charity work. She couldn’t do a good deed without telling the whole world and everyone else things she’s heaven sent because of her constant self promotion.
But if she’s so great, why do we have no relationship at all? Why do I feel the absolute need to not share anything personal with her in order to protect myself? Why do my therapists, past and present, look at me in shock when I mention things she has said and done to me? And why do I and other men (mainly my cousins) in my family have to suffer from her pettiness and moral high positioning?
At least my parents learned to stop trying to blame me and control my behaviour, just not my sister. Nothing will ever be good enough for her.
All I ever wanted was a sister to talk to and help me through life as the youngest child in the family. Over the past five years I’ve found four sisters. And they love me. I know because they tell me and show me how much they love me. One of them even gave me a forehead kiss recently and that kind of love feels special. I love them all so much even if all they really did was just let me be me.
Not me but my nephew. The mother and sister brand the heckling as teasing, but also call the same done to them as mean. They keep putting him down for silly things he did weeks ago. The father just remains stioc. It’s a bad family atmosphere as I see it.
Not in the family but at a job.
Leave sooner. You’re actually super qualified. If they don’t want it, don’t try to figure out how to get it done anyway, just start rocking with people that rock with you instead.
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alot of these were aita, or offmychest stories on reddit
