With makeup running down your face, watching the cars and trains go by, only the glow of the lights are what you can make out of them, it’s a dark night, and so is your whole house because, well, you turned your lights off out of embarassment, you wouldn’t want to see yourself like this.

You wanted to play music, but you don’t want anyone to know what you’re going through, you slip each earpiece in as the music fades in, it only amplifies what you feel, so you take another swig. One blink and you’re on a chair leaning against the window sill, face in hand that you can barely feel, and as you keep slipping higher, the lights bleed in your vision like a reflection in the puddle. The psychedelic nature of the way it refracts and distorts in your vision, as the perspective of each moving light changes the way it was mathematically programmed to dance for you, it calms you, it… changes everything.

“Do i do this to supress the emotions?” i scoff towards the end, i know the answer.

“No, all i can do is wallow in it, this is how i conditioned myself to deal with these feelings…” i check the bottle, and there’s barely a drop left.

Why sink deeper? i think. But i have no answer, all i can really say is that it has to stop. All it takes is one thought, one deeply satisfying harmful thought to send me away from the opportunity of life. No, i can’t do that, i can’t let anyone i know do that.

“Hey, you know you can talk to me right?” I already knew this was an option.

“Yeah…” and here i am not following my own advice, not following the advice of others. And for what? They want to help me, am i just, embarrassed? Is it the fear seeming vulnerable? It’s all in good will, a mutual exchange, so what’s wrong with me? Does it challenge the trust i have for others?

Maybe i just like feeling this way, on the brink, it’s almost fufilling to pull myself out of it all. It’s an adventure of the mind, how far can i go before i slip hard? But this game has no “win,” there is no “prize,” other than getting your shit together again.

But the adrenaline is worth it, i mean, where else can you get such an intense feeling from? Life is so boring, i want to feel something, stimulation they call it. I’m doomed to a life of it. To chase it is to find the motivation towards living, is that not what life is after all? A desire.

Otherwise, it might as well just be one deeply wrong movie, one that you are forced to watch, forced to live in. What’s the fun in any of that? I’d rather feel in control, even if that means i have to live with trauma and pride of my fuckups and passions…

I am human after all, and we have the ability to change so many things, why refuse to change the mind? After all, life never started from stagnation. Be vibrant.

And then the morning hits you.

goals :3

You won’t be in that for long