Yeah. Context matters. In Grandma’s time, women had much less agency and legal recourse, often needing significant physical abuse for divorce to be legally accepted. It would be sound advice for that context.
In the context of modern times, I was happy when my spouse got her own account because it was a big step forward in independence but if she had opened secret ones, there would be an issue and we’d be going to marriage counseling ASAP because of the breach of trust. Our marriage is a cooperative partnership, not a competition and I’d never stay in a marriage with someone that I could not trust.
In the context of modern times, women are six times more likely to be abandoned by their spouse after receiving a devastating medical diagnosis like cancer than men are.
Yeah. But what does this have to do with the topic? Women can have their own bank account, just don’t hide it.
This is true. The fight for equality is NOT over, regardless of how some may like to pretend. Women are still much better off than a century ago in terms of agency over their financial interests (usually - see: Brittany Spears).
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Also, (and I don’t know if they go into it in your research), a lot of the time in US couples have to divorce so the women can qualify for benefits of some sorts, and for the couple it might be the only way to afford a treatment.
That happens because US healthcare is a cruel and inhumane torture.
people who have that attitude tell on themselves. as in, they expect others to act like awful shitty people because deep down they know that is how they would act.
Ah yes. Secrets. The proper way to have a loving marriage.
No wait. That’s the proper way to be unhappy and get a divorce or a loveless marriage.
Back in grandma’s day (in the US at least) women were financially trapped in their marriages by a system that wouldn’t allow them to get credit cards or open bank accounts without their husband’s permission, even if they worked. Having a small stash allows a person to choose to be in a marriage, not be forced.
It’s outdated advice but it comes from a good place.
Thanks for adding this context. It’s important to remember. If your partner is financially irresponsible and will spend all your joint account money whether they should or not, back up accounts are the only answer.
Y’all just making a case for the account with your whiny attitude tbh
The secret account is not for hiding money during a divorce. It is for fleeing or paying for expenses while going through the divorce.
It is common for one spouse, or the other, to empty all accounts in the lead up to the divorce. It does not matter how right you are when you cannot buy your kids food.
This is advice from an 85 year old. She has seen soon shit.
A couple thousand in an “oh shit” account is rational.
This is not appreciated though if money is tight.
A neat detail here is that there’s no rule here that the account needs to be literally secret. You can tell your spouse you have a private account and you’ll put a couple hundred in out of your paycheck. A spouse in a healthy relationship should reply “sure, I’ll do the same.” It’s nice to have for holidays and secret presents too.
Oddly/interestingly, the concept of a dowry in Islam is to ensure the wife has access to some sort of funding in case the marriage ends
It doesn’t even need to be a secret account, def see it being a hella good litmus test, too; check whether someone’s “I love you” means “no matter what, right now I want the best for you” or “I want to own you”
guys like that are… just no
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lemmy users are a sausagefest and completely full of shit. THIS IS REASONABLE ADVICE FOR PEOPLE WHO GET INTO ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS; I was talking about ppl who know the signs of abusers. WE WERE TALKING ABOUT DIFFERENT THINGS, YOU DUMBFUCKS.
I mean that sounds good but hiding assets is generally a negative in divorce or separation.
Having separate accounts for personal stuff is just wise financing, but feeling the need to even make a secret account should tell you where that’s headed.
My grandfather had an account he never told my grandmother about, then he got dementia and couldn’t remember he had the account, years later after he died we found out about it, and we found out that he’d invested in a lot of successful companies over the decades, and had made a substantial amount of money.
If my grandmother had known about the account he would have had vastly better care than we were actually able to afford.
I also think it’s rather ironic that he would have had a better life if he had just been a bit more open with his finances.
Growing up they always had crap cars they were always falling apart and Mr Frugal was sitting on a life-changing amount of money.
ITT: Men and Women talk past each other with different understandings of the situation.
What the fuck, that’s mad weird
The wise way is to tell your partner Grandma says it’s important to have separate bank accounts, as my MIL said to me, and my husband agreed. We have had them for 30 years together. Sometimes it’s been handy that one side has a better credit rating at that moment.
But if your partner objects, or tries to sabotage it in any way, that’s a huge red flag for gaslighting and abuse. So it’s time to make that secret account and start taking steps to escape safely. Granny may well have already seen the signs you’re too in love to see.
Right. I don’t get how that would be gaslighting though.
Sound wisdom for both the husband and wife. Obviously the grandmother has her own experiences that make that good advice for a woman, but I think it’s good for everyone.
Have a joint account where you pay for shared expenses, and then your own separate account for yourself. For probably the majority of relationships now, both parties are (or at least should) be working anyway.
Own seperate account doesn’t mean secret account that your spouse doesn’t know about.
Yeah, secret sounds shady. But I get the rationale. Me personally I wouldn’t feel a need to tell my partner, but I wouldn’t hide it per se.
Here’s a better tip: Find a partner you don’t feel the need to keep huge secrets from.
Impossible. That perfect partner could turn darkside on you years into marriage.
Most people who marry think they found the perfect partner, but the divorce rates say otherwise.
You’ve clearly never been married and have no idea what you’re talking about. Hiding secrets and saying it’s impossible not to is the most destructive thing you could do to your marriage. On top of all, hiding assets from a spouse during a divorce amounts to contempt of court and carries a penalty and additional legal battles and expenses. Please don’t recommend anyone to do it.
Sure but it’s always good to keep a backup/bug out plan.
I would absolutely keep enough money set aside to at least get an apartment and furnish the necessities immediately. That’s smart.
Then find a partner who is okay with having separate bank accounts that you can keep your own money in. It doesn’t have to be a secret.
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I feel for what you went through but trying to equate having a need for a secret bank account hidden from your spouse to an uncle stealing funds from a minor is ingenious at best and absolutely laughable at best. There is obviously a difference between the two and if you don’t realize that, I assume you must be a little too young to even weigh in. If you feel that unless you have a secret stash of cash you’re in physical danger from your spouse then DO NOT MARRY THAT PERSON. it’s not that complicated. Marriage isn’t a joke or something to lightly go into. It’s like saying “I don’t trust you enough to not cheat on me so I’m going to keep a side man/woman on the side just in case. What? You don’t like that?? That is a chillingly selfish betrayal of trust how dare you!” Just don’t get married and merge accounts until you trust the person it’s not that complicated, if you don’t trust them enough for that, don’t get married, simple as.
